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03 February 2010 @ 12:41 am
 I was to officially start the fat burners on Monday and I didn't. I feel slightly ashamed but then again I have a valid excuse. I will be getting braces on Friday and I expect to be taking some kind of pain medication. I just think it would be a waste to take it and then skip a couple of days. I don't think I can get the best results that way. So I have been off my diet since Monday and I'm really mad about it but I am told it's a valid excuse. I just feel like the week is going by incredibly slow. I just want to start this diet and get my life back. I fear that once the week is gone and I start the dieting that I won't be able to handle it with school. I fear that I'll make excuses on why I don't have to time to get out and run. I fear my safety exercising in this city especially since there has been a large number of robberies in the area. 

I have a small paper due tomorrow that I haven't even begun and it is 12:30am already. I've been busy thinking about my weight and thinking about how hard it is going to be to reach my goal. I then went on the biggest loser website and filled out an application. I would just love to be on that show. I think the competition and the fact that everyone there is going for the same goal is a great motivator for me. Then again in order to be on the show you basically have to give up an entire year and I can't afford giving up a year of school when I'm already behind. I think that'll be my last resort; that is if the show is still around by the time I graduate. 

I just don't want to do it alone. I feel so alone in this battle. Sure I can ask a friend to do it with me but the closest ones aren't obese like I am. They are thin and they want to exercise to stay in shape. I want to exercise to control my health, to feel good, and to gain respect for myself. I hate myself the way I am right now and I want to change that so the people around me can like me as well. It's not healthy to lack self confidence and feel this way about myself. I thought I was a monster when I was 180 and here I am today 75lbs heavier. I though I would never get over 200lbs. But now I'm on my way to 300 and I'm ashamed that I let it go this far. I want to do something about it but my lacking of self confidence and my surrounding environment makes it very hard. 

I believe I can do it. We all want the change to happen instantly but I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be slow. There's no way I can lose 100lbs by July with the way my schedule is but I am going to try. It makes it hard having no access to the gym. I could pay the $70 to go to the gym but that would mean I would risk getting ridiculed by the thin people who are there working out as well. I also don't know how I am going to handle it with my reading. I would have to give up going on the computer. But maybe thats a good thing. Maybe it'll make me focus more on school and improve my grades. It's worth a try I guess. Some people say "screw other people and what they think" and I agree. But you know, their words really get to me and really sink in. Each time something is said to me my self esteem just drops lower and lower. It's just a bottomless pit and it's a long way from the top. 

I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this alone. I am embarrassed in front of my own boyfriend. I know he doesn't care but I do. I feel terrible that he's stuck with this big blob of depression who constantly needs some sort of praise to feel any sort of happiness. I've got to lose this weight; for him, for myself, and for my family. 
Current Location: Dorm room
Current Mood: ashamed
31 January 2010 @ 11:26 am
 I have figured out my new routine and I am starting tomorrow. I will be taking fat burners called atrophex. I will  have a high protein diet with low sodium. The sodium creates excess water weight which makes is more difficult to lose weight.
My diet will consist of what ever is available to me here in the dorms. 
-Breakfast will consist of carbs- basically anything wheat; pancakes, toast, bagels. Then I will have loads of fruit and a light cereal like speacial-k or raisin brand. 
-Lunch- a plate of vegetables, salad, and fruit. 
-Dinner- chicken breast, plate of Vegetables, salad. 
I will drink at least 130oz of water a day. And start off with at least 30 minutes of cardio. 
To snack on through out the day I will eat a hand full of nuts, Jello, and brown rice. I will drink low-sodium water. 

It's going to be very tough but I'm putting myself up to the challenge and if I'm strong willed then I'm going to conquer my obesity. Eventually after I reach my goal I will slowly put in different foods. I'm not going to eat vegetables for life but I have to train my body whats healthy to eat and what kind of portions are healthy as well. I know I can do this. I will keep updating as often as possible but Friday or Saturday I will weigh myself again and see how well the first week went. Till then, wish me luck. 
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Current Location: Dorm room
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
28 January 2010 @ 06:39 pm
 My new goal is kind of a secret to my family and most friends, but the only way I think I will be able to keep up with it is if I write about it. So I'm posting about it here where not too many people come. 

My goal is to lose at least 75lbs by my 21st birthday, July 12th 2010. I came up with the idea last night after being horribly depressed because of what some 20 year old guys did to me on the street as they were driving by. I was walking back to my dorm room and the driver honked the horn and made the hand gesture like he were shooting a gun; then he winked. You know, it's like when a guy thinks a woman is hot but in this case I know it was a joke. I'm over 200 pounds. The passenger just laughed really hard. Events like this kept me from going outside and exercising in the past. I've decided with the recent unfortunate events that have been occurring in my life that I'm not going to let my weight hold me prisoner any longer. The rude, immature comments is just motivation now. Fuel to keep my fire burning. I will exercise everyday. I will drink no more soda. I will eat no more fried foods. I will get a handle on my weight and make myself actually like myself. I'm gonna do this. 
Height:: 5"6'
Starting weight:: 255 
Standard BMI calculation:: 41.2
Goal by July 12th:: 180
Standard BMI calculation:: 29.0

Once I hit my goal I will not stop. I will keep up with my new eating habits and exercise. I will not be obese anymore. My ultimate goal is to lose 100lbs. If I can do that I will be happy. If I can get down to 130lbs it  would be amazing.
I started my exercise routine today. I walked 3 laps around the large quad on campus. I sprinted 5 times up the stairs on campus. I then went back to my dorm room and did 25 crunches, 25 right side crunches, 25 left side crunches, and 10 push ups. 
My exercise routine will increase as time goes on but I have to get my body back into the mindset of an athlete. I have bad arthritis in my right knee causing it to swell and a lot of movements with it is painful. I know when I lose weight the pain will decrease. If I can get my weight down to what I was in High school, 180, I will be satisfied. But I will not stop. I want it all. I'm gonna do something great in my life and that is to conquer my war with obesity. 
Current Location: Dorm room
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful